Four recent moments:
112.
A man at the Jewel tosses a box of condoms into his grocery cart. He notices me noticing him, so he discreetly slides the box under a bag of diapers. The expression "closing the barn door after the horses have bolted" comes to mind.
In fact, I think it's time for a new idiom that reflects these modern times. If ever I see someone doing the equivalent of closing the barn door afte the horses have bolted, I'm going to say, "Looks like someone's hiding the condoms under the diapers."
113.
"This will be your first Fathers Day without your father."
"That's true."
"This was my first Mothers Day without my mother."
"But our family has a new dad to celebrate."
"And ours has a new mom."
"It's the law of conservation of parents."
114.
I'm at a Texas Roadhouse. I'm in Elkhart, Ind., where it's either Texas Roadhouse or Olive Garden, and Olive Garden doesn't sponsor a cycling team.
To my left sits a doughy middle-aged couple in polo shirts. They are discussing the persecutions they must endure for their views on immigration, and they run through a list of truths they must suppress.
"If they wanted to learn the language, they could, but they're lazy. Of course, you can't say that, because you'll offend someone."
"They're criminals just by being here. Why would we want criminals in our country? Of course, you can't say that, because you'll offend someone."
"Have you ever been in a Mexican city at night? Did you feel safe? Is that what we want our cities to be like? Of course, you can't say that, because you'll offend someone."
And then the woman says the thing that has me halting my fork inches from my mouth.
"I'd like to bring Ronald Reagan back just so he could kick. Their. Butts."
The things you're exposed to when you leave the city.
115.
"I need to shave."
"You could use my razor."
"And end up smelling like lavender?"
"You don't want to use the Venus?"
"No, I can only use Mars: Bringer of war and smooth skin."
The real punch line comes 10 minutes later when I am bemoaning all the hoary gender cliches