Senior's quest turns up only pinball flippers
Don't get me wrong: I am grateful for the Weinbergs' donation. If Judd A. Weinberg ever visits, I'll be among the first to say, "Thanks, man, and for the flippers, too!" (May 22, 1998)

Truth, justice and the American fray
It takes all of ten seconds for the first breasts to be exposed. They are not ordinary, these breasts. They are the size of taxicabs. I have had apartments smaller than these breasts. (TGIF: May 15, 1998)

By any other name, would he smell as sweet?
We are not Joneses. We are not Smiths. No, we are Seemanns, Seamans and Siemens, and damnit, we like it that way. (May 15, 1998)

'So I was on my way home --' So what??
To a person, we seem to have lost the ability to begin a story without the word "so." (May 8, 1998)

He wants to get by with a little help from a friend
The typical intern is difficult to define. She has far fewer responsibilities than an employee, sometimes gets paid more than a volunteer and is a little better dressed than a toady. (May 1, 1998)

This week, there are no losers
The Associated Student Government play election is over, the final play coverage has been edited. All that's left is for some jerk to give out play awards. (April 24, 1998)

This week, there are no winners
It is easy to say that the election fiasco has distracted the electorate from the major issues. That is, it would be easy if there actually were issues. (April 17, 1998)

Chicago Fire takes soccer fans on sexy ride
Soccer turns on foreplay. The throbbing pace, the advances, the retreats all come together to make the ultimate climax -- a bicycle kick to win in the 89th minute -- so much more ecstatic. (April 10, 1998)

For the right price, his name could bear your soul
I spend a lot of time thinking about names, and I guess I wouldn't mind changing my own. (April 3, 1998)

Altoids offer more than minty breath
The legend is this: Altoids, the curiously strong mints, possess certain erotic powers. That is to say, the electric feeling that one feels in one's mouth after having an Altoid can be transferred to other things put in one's mouth. (Jan. 29, 1998)

Mainstream no different from Internet muckraker
If Bode is to attack Drudge for using unnamed sources, will he also attack the mainstream media for their use of the same? (Jan. 26, 1998)

-Luke Seemann is a Medill senior. He can be reached at phallic-imperialist@nwu.edu.