Forum: Luke Seemann04.24.98
This week, there
are no losers

The Associated Student Government play election is over, the final play coverage has been edited. All that's left is for some jerk to give out play awards.

Without further introduction:

The "A Clockwork Orange" Droog Award goes to Roxanne Ong, who gave us all the old in-out, in-out. First, she was out of the race. Then, after supporters encouraged her to run and The Daily hailed her as ASG's only "promise keeper," she jumped back in. Finally, she dropped out with the sincerity that made us all fans in the first place.

Later, Ong practically endorsed Evil Dave Sheldon. She sang his praises on the ASG newsgroup and had two Evil fliers on her door. Sadly, not enough people hang out on or in Ong's room.

The Award for Highest Work-to-Thanks Ratio goes to ASG Technical Director Joshua Ochs. He worked more than 300 unpaid hours to put elections online, and then suffered with grace and humor the slings and arrows of outraged criticism.

The Award for Best Contradiction goes to Darren Shulman. When asked what impact the nullified election and subsequent leaks would have on the second election, Shulman said: "It doesn't matter. It's a whole new ballgame."

It doesn't matter? A whole new ballgame? Which one? Perhaps "Animal Farm" was right: One election good, two elections better!

The Award for Best Paranoia goes to Ariel Friedler. Friedler's imaginary enemies list included Election Judge Gene Gurkoff, Sharat "Is he out to get me?" Parameswaran and indeed much of the outgoing ASG. One must remember, though, that just because you're paranoid doesn't necessarily mean they're not following you.

The Ned Ludd Technophobia Award also goes to Friedler. After a Web site slammed Friedler for distorting numbers in his platform, Friedler lashed out in The Daily: "Why do they have to be computer geeks and hide? Tell them to show their faces at the debate and I'll take them down."

Sources say that hours after the threat, German hackers broke into NU networks and changed his GPA to 0.50, his tuition bill to $1 million and his name to "Hairy Spice."

The Award for Most Dubious Qualification goes to Karyn Bass for having interned at the White House. As a former White House intern myself, I know that unless one is applying for a job at Kinko's or a massage parlor, this isn't exactly something to brag about.

The Award for Best Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe Game goes to Manu Bhardwaj and Todd Connor. In a race with virtually no differences between the candidates, was anyone surprised that Bhardwaj led the primary by only two votes?

The Awards for Best Online Presence go to Sheldon, Jenny Moore and Jason Briggeman. Some candidates talked about "improving communication" by slapping links on the ASG home page. Others made technology-related promises without even seeing if they were practical. But only Sheldon, Moore and Briggeman showed up on the ASG newsgroup, to the delight of dozens of ASG junkies. On the newsgroup, candidates couldn't hide behind hollow rhetoric, and it was where Sheldon demonstrated his qualifications and others, well, didn't.

There you have it, and I promise: These results won't be overturned.

-Luke Seemann is a Medill senior. He can be reached at [email protected].

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